Jebby the Friendly Killer Whale

Obviously, this is a picture of Jebby the Killer Whale taking a bite out of Andrew Stansworth-McCarthy, right?  Wrong, of course.  You see this a trick of still photography...if this were video or, in this case, film, you'd see that Mr. Stansworth-McCarthy has only one leg....the poor guy tripped.

And in a remarkable trick, Jebby the FRIENDLY Killer Whale managed to catch him, by his head, and put him back on the ledge.  Poor Jebby didn't even get an extra fish...

Polar Bears are closet Nazis

The sad part is, there were whole Polar Bear platoons during the hay-day of the Third Reich.  Yes, everyone knows that tons of Nazi war criminals fled to South American countries.  But the real secret is, how many of them are living in the frozen north in igloos beside their furry fascist co-conspirators?

The Valiant Tale of Jimmy the Gong

Take a long look at this picture, then take a moment to digest it...it's really deep.  Not because it appears to be the last fleeting moments of an obviously suicidal penguin, but because that is exactly NOT what this picture is about.  No, the sick twisted thing about this shot isn't the penguin with the symbols at all...it's the cross-dressing penguin with the bag in the back...This is a scary tale...a precautionary tale...a percussion-ary tale...a tale of love gone fowl...a tale of spies and intrigue in the south seas...

But first, let me tell you about Jimmy...he was just like any other penguin growing up on the ice shelf on the Antarctic.  He'd swim and catch fish and was a fairly big fan of Olympic Hockey.

But he was different in one peculiarly specific way...Jimmy loved to use his flippers to slap things...the ice, the water, fish, whales, other penguins, yo mamma...this got him in a lot of trouble.  After a nasty encounter with a Sea Lion, where he slapped the whiskers clean off of the right side of its face...he ran..or swam away for his life--leaving behind Gertrude...the love of his life.

Eventually, he floated ashore on the south banks of New Zealand, where he was later discovered smacking rocks...which was a little weird, but what was most amazing was his incredible sense of timing.  He could keep a beat better than anything else in the entire country.

Jimmy was picked up a rather gifted musician and became a drummer...first of a band called the "Screaming Ninjas," then he moved on to a string of different bands ("George's Bush," "The Drunk Monkeys," "The Drunk Monks," "The Sober Sots"--he was thinking of cleaning up his act--"Toad the Wet Sprocket" etc. etc.) each ending with a rather violet slapping match with a lead singer...

And then he got his best gig...he was hired by the New Zealand National Orchestra, where he played percussion and they started calling him "Jimmy the Gong." (No, they didn't call him Jimmy the Penguin, they aren't racists!)

Jimmy had a pretty sweet thing going for a while, even started whooping it up with an albatross that played the trombone...but then something happened...he saw something, or heard something, or slapped somebody repeatedly that he shouldn't of....nobody knows exactly what.  All that is known is that he was on the first train for the ice he could find...he had to get back to his people to tell them something...an inconvenient truth or the ingredients of soylent penguin....something....

But he wasn't alone...

So now, Jimmy was back on the ice shelf being chased by Tony the Tux, who's dressed up a la Bugs Bunny in the chick's outfit ready to put a big hole in his beak....Jimmy needs a distraction to save his very life...and as luck would have it he happens upon a sleeping polar bear....

What does Jimmy do with Tony the Tux hot on his heels...the only thing he knows how to do well...percussion!  He pulls out those symbols...

And two minutes later...he's eaten by a polar bear...

For a presidential pardon...

So the guy behind the former president is Thomas Radcliffe, a Vice President of Procurement for Honeywell International...what?  Who's the guy in front?  Oh, that's just some guy they paid to blow the president, so he'd stand still for the picture.

Tragic Tale of Anna Bottsworth...

Well, this one is easy.  This is obviously little Anna Bottsworth, who was lost in a tragic accident at the age of three in the Florida Everglades.  Miraculously she was taken in and raised by alligators.  At the age of 12, she was named Queen of the Alligators...

Sadly, at the age of 14, Anna was tragically eaten alive by a Shetland Pony.

Do the crime...

This is just what $1.86 stolen from the wishing well costs you.

Power Rangers?

The economy is just really, really bad.  This guy should have learned from Johnny Socko and Ultraman...